Why We Fight: Understanding Attachment in Couples Conflict

Why do couples who love each other end up fighting? Or why do seemingly minor disagreements spiral into great clashes? Love relationships can be confusing, and if you are in one you may wonder why connection feels so hard.

As a couples therapist, I see these problems through the lens of a therapeutic theory called Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT. At its heart, EFT views these conflicts not as a problem of communication techniques or personality differences, but as a cry for emotional connection. The fights, in all their intensity and repetition, are protests against disconnection. When couples argue, they are often trying to ask in their clumsy, defensive, or angry way: Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you respond when I need you most? Are you disappointed in me?

Put in that context, your fights about the dishes or why you think Beyoncé is overrated are starting to make a lot more sense. You see, couples don’t fight because they have incompatible personalities or because they are broken; they fight because they are bonded, and that bond feels threatened.

Love is a Bond

EFT is grounded in Attachment Theory and without diving too deep, Attachment Theory’s basic assertion is that humans bond to important others called attachment figures as a means of survival. These bonds are often made with parents, spouses, or important friends.

When we are securely bonded, those bonds lend a sense of warmth, security, and wellbeing as we navigate the world. But when that attachment bond is threatened, it is coded by the brain in the same way as other survival threats like threats to food and shelter. This can lead to anger, shame, but most fundamentally, fear.

The Demon Dialogues

Couples often get caught up in the content of their fights, who didn’t take out the trash, who spends more money, etc., but it is important to look beyond these details if we are to catch a glimpse of the pattern beneath. In EFT, we find that these patterns of disconnection exhibit themselves in remarkably consistent ways. These Cycles, as we call them, repeat over and over again, leaving each partner feeling stuck.

The Power of Safety and Emotional Responsiveness

So how can we exit these cycles? The core move in EFT is from reactivity to responsiveness. Fear in relationships will quickly overwhelm a partner’s ability to be emotionally responsive to the other’s cues for connection. Instead of seeing their partner as hurt and scared, they see only the anger and criticism or detached indifference they are showing on the surface.

A Hopeful End

The good news is that couples, when given tools and support, can increase the security of their relationship. The negative cycle will never go away entirely. The wounds running these cycles are old and deep and will flare up from time to time, but their severity and duration will decrease as they strengthen and repair their bonds.

In Emotionally-Focused Therapy, our goal is not to eliminate all conflict. Instead, we repair after conflict, learn to respond to each other’s emotional needs, and build a secure bond that can weather life’s inevitable storms. Because at the end of the day, love isn’t about always being happy or never fighting. It’s about fighting for connection, to be seen, and to hold onto one another through life’s uncertainties. That is what love is really about.

If this message resonates with you and you’re ready to begin strengthening your connection, I’d love to help. Schedule a session with me today and let’s start the work of finding your way back to each other.