Why We Fight: Understanding Attachment in Couples Conflict

Do you ever feel like you’re stuck in the same argument with your partner no matter how many times you try to fix it? It might start with something small, but suddenly you’re both defensive, shutting down, or saying things you regret.

If you’ve ever asked, “Why do we keep doing this?” You’re not alone.

Hi, I’m Nate Dunn, a therapist at Cedar Tree Counseling. I work with couples who feel trapped in painful patterns of communication, especially when conflict leads to distance instead of connection.

Here’s what I want you to know: These negative cycles aren’t a sign that your relationship is broken. They’re usually a sign that your attachment styles are colliding in ways you don’t even realize.

What’s Really Happening in Conflict?

When you and your partner argue, what’s underneath the surface is often fear. Fear of being rejected, misunderstood, or emotionally abandoned.

These fears trigger automatic reactions, and those reactions form the same repeating cycle.

Let’s explore some common Attachment-Driven Conflict Patterns:

1. The Pursue–Withdraw Cycle

In this cycle, one of you needs closeness and answers, so you reach out. But the other feels overwhelmed, so they pull away.

Here’s an example: You feel anxious when your partner goes quiet, so you text or ask to talk things through right away. But they back off or shut down. The more they withdraw, the more you pursue. You both feel unheard and alone.

Try this: If you tend to pursue, try sharing your needs gently instead of pushing. If you tend to withdraw, work on staying present even when it feels uncomfortable.

2. The Criticize–Defend Cycle

With the Criticize-Defend Cycle, one of you brings up an issue with urgency, and the other reacts by defending themselves.

For example, you say, “You never listen. You’re always on your phone.”
Your partner fires back, “That’s not true, I was just checking one message!”

Before long, you’re both frustrated, and nothing gets resolved.

Here’s a tip: Use “I” statements to express feelings instead of blame. Try: “I feel disconnected when it seems like you’re distracted.”

3. The Silent Distance Cycle

Neither of you says anything, and disconnection grows in the Silent Distance Cycle.

This can present as not arguing much, but also not talking as deeply anymore. You do the daily routine, but emotional closeness is missing. There’s no fighting, but also no warmth.

Here’s something to try: Schedule regular check-ins to ask, “How are we doing?” Reconnecting doesn’t require drama, just intention.

4. The Explode–Repair–Repeat Cycle

In this cycle, you have big blow-ups followed by quick apologies. But the same fights keep returning.

This could mean you fight hard with loud voices and hurtful words, then make up the next day without really talking about what happened. Deep down, you’re both on edge, waiting for the next explosion.

Here’s what to do instead: Pause when emotions run high. Come back later for a repair conversation, not just an apology, so healing becomes lasting.

How Does Attachment Theory Help You Break the Cycle?

Attachment theory helps you see what’s underneath the argument: not just anger, but longing – for closeness, reassurance, or safety.

When you understand your partner’s fears and needs, you stop seeing them as the enemy and start seeing them as someone who’s trying, just like you, to feel secure and connected.

In couples counseling, I help you recognize these patterns, understand your attachment styles, and build new ways of relating. Ways that actually work.

Whether you’re preparing for marriage or trying to repair what’s been hurt, we’ll work together to make space for trust, empathy, and emotional safety. You don’t have to stay stuck in the same argument. You can learn a new way to connect.

Don’t hesitate to schedule an appointment at Cedar Tree Counseling today. Let’s help your relationship feel safer, stronger, and more connected, one step at a time.